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Hercules (transcript)
{The camera opens in on a museum hallway featuring Greek statues and vases.} Narrator: Long ago, in the faraway land of ancient Greece, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes. And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes was the mighty Hercules. Greek vase is shown with a picture of Hercules fighting a monster. Vase zooms in slowly But what is the measure of a true hero? Ah, that is what our story is- Thalia: Will you listen to him? He's makin' the story sound like some greek tragedy. Terpsichore: Lighten up, dude. Calliope: We'll take it from here, darling. Narrator: You go, girls Calliope: We are the Muses. Goddeses of the arts and proclaimers of the heroes. Terpsichore: Heroes like Hercules! Thalia: Honey, you mean "hunk-ules". Ooh, I'd like to make some sweet music with him- start humming Calliope: Our story actually begins long before Hercules, many eons ago.. changes colors and the Muses start walking and singing Back when the world was new, The planet Earth was down on its luck. And everywhere gigantic brutes, Called Titans ran amok! It was a nasty place! There was a mess wherever you stepped. Where chaos reigned and earthquakes, and volcanoes never slept! And then along came Zeus! He hurled his thunderbolt, He zapped! Locked those suckers in a vault! They're trapped! And on his own stopped chaos in its tracks. And that's the gospel truth! The guy was too type A to just relax. And that's the world's first dish. Zeus tamed the globe while still in his youth. Though, honey, it may seem imposs'ble- That's the gospel truth! On Mount Olympus life was neat and smooth as sweet vermouth. Though, honey, it may seem imposs'ble- That's the gospel truth! {schematic picture of Olympus zooms in and turns into a real one. While the Muses still repeat their "ah's and yeah's", camera moves up the mountain slope,while it does, the movie title, HERCULES, is shown. Then camera goes inside, passes various chattering gods and finds baby Hercules} Hera: Hercules! Behave yourself. Smurfette: (appear) Huh? (she being strange) come in to play with the baby, too Zeus: Oh, look at this, look how cute he is... babbles at baby Hercules and he catches Zeus by index finger and lifts above his cradle and Smurfette look at her brother Hah! Oh, he's strong! Like his Dad, hmm? Hermes: (moving through a crowd of gods) Whoa! Excuse me! Hot stuff coming through! Excuse me one side, Ares. hands Hera a bundle of glowing flowers Hera: Why, Hermes, they're lovely Hermes: Yeah, you know, I had Orpheus do the arrangement. Isn't that too nutty? (flying closer to Zeus now) Fabulous party, you know, I haven't seen this much love in a room since Narcissus discovered himself! Hermes: And Smurfette for you. (As giving some flower for her.) Smurfette: You're quite welcome. is shown, staring into his mirror and making kissing sounds. Also, Baby Hercules gets one of Zeus' lightnings and plays with it Smurfette: WHAT!?! (her brother was touch Zeus's lighting) FATHER!!! Hera: Dear, keep those away from the baby. Zeus: Oh, he won't hurt himself. Let the kid have a little fun! Hercules tries to eat the lightning, gets zapped, and throws it away in frustration. Three gods jump away from its path, untill Athena hits it with her sword so it hits a pillar, which immediately reappears Garnet: That would explain... a LOT. *folds arms* Zeus: Oh, on behalf of my son, I want to thank you all for your wonderful gifts. Smurfette: (whisper to her daddy's ears come closer to her) Hera: What about our gift, dear? Zeus: Well, let's see here.. we'll take, hmm, yes, a little cirrus, and, hmm, a touch of nimbostratus, and a dash of cumulus. moves his hand with a little pegasus-shaped cloud on it closer to baby Hercules, and the cloud turns out to be a baby pegasus. His name is Pegasus, and he's all yours, son. Hercules bonks his forehead against Baby Pegasus'. He whinnies and licks Hercules. They hug, letting all the gods sigh. Smurfette: Okay. Good Hercules. (Smurfette Claped her hands) Hera: Mind his head. Zeus: He's so tiny. Hercules tries to bite the medallion that hangs from his neck and then yawns My boy. My little Hercules. Smurfette: (Her being Smiled and hand over to her father, and kiss her brother's cheek), Be good little brother. Hades: (offscreen) How sentimental. moves to Hades fast after his voice is heard You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat! Huh? gods look sternly at him So, is this an audience or a mosaic? Hey, how you doin'? Lookin' good. Nice dress. he is saying that, he moves from one god to another untill Zeus squeezes him in a hug. Zeus: So Hades, you finally made it. How are things in the Underworld? Hades (taking Zeus' hand off his shoulder): Well, they're just fine, you know, a little dark, a little gloomy, and as always, hey, full of dead people. What are you gonna do? Ah! Smurfette: What!? (being grabbed by her Uncle) Hey I don't need you to fight my fights for me. Hades (to Smurfette mocked in slow motion) YOU'RE A SLOB!!! (normal) There's the little sunspot, little smootchie. And here is a sucker for the little sucker, eh? (he weaves a sucker with skeleton head out of thin mist) Here you go. Ya just-- squeezes Hades' finger, and after some fight he gets away from the baby and Smurfette laughing Sheesh! Uh, powerful little tyke. Zeus (hugging Hades once again): Come on, Hades, don't be such a stiff, join the celebration! Hades (getting free from the hug again): Hey, love to, babe, but unlike you gods lounging about up here, I regrettably have a full-time gig You know, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, Zeus, So.. can't. Love to, but can't. Sunset Shimmer: Okay. Zeus: You ought to slow down, you'll work yourself to death... Hah! work yourself to death! laughing Oh, I kill myself. Hades: If only, if only.. Smurfette (Wave her hand) Goodbye my uncle. {Scene changes back to the Muses} Calliope: If there's one god who don't want to get steamed up, it's Hades, Terpsichore: 'cause he had an evil plan {The scene changes to a boat on the River Styx, in which a skeleton is carrying Hades. Two souls lean up from the lake bed to grab Hades, who zaps them away and blows the smoke off his finger like a pistol.} Thalia: (singing) He ran the Underworld, But thought the dead were dull and uncouth. He was as mean as ruthless- And that's the gospel truth. (A pair of skeletal gates open, and Cerberus' heads snarl and snap their jaws viciously. Hades throws them a piece of steak for the dogs to eat, which the dogs fight over as the boat continues its journey down the river.) He had a plan to shake things up- And that's the gospel truth! (Soon, Hades arrives at the dock, with a staircase leading to his lair.) Hades: Pain! Pain: (running down the stairs) Coming, your most lugubriousness! trips, bounces on the stairs, and lands his butt on a sharp trident, screaming. Hades: Panic! Panic: (running down the stairs) Oh, I'm sorry. (pants wildly) I can handle it! runs, but he trips over Pain, who just got free from he trident, falls over, and his horns get stuck in Pain's butt. Pain screams all of the hall of lair and world, and herd of dinosaurs heard of sounds; while Hades rolls his eyes disgustedly. Pain: Pain! (groans) Ow! Panic: And Panic! (grunts) Both: Reporting for duty! Hades: Fine, fine, fine. Just let me know the instant the Fates arrive. (Pain pulls his friend's horns out of his rump.) Panic: (delightedly) Oh! They're here! (Pain nods, accordingly.) Hades: (bursts into flames) WHAT?! The Fates are here, and YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?! Sea serpents and others scared away form Flames) Pain and Panic: We are worms! Worthless worms! [They literally shape shift into worms as they sob uncontrollably. Hades: Memo to me, memo to me: Maim you after my meeting. {The scene changes to a chamber with the Fates.} Atropos: Darling, hold that mortal's thread of life good and tight. cuts a thread with scissors and a woman scream is heard on outside of land the Spinosaurus looks sound like scream like a girl. Lachesis: Incoming! Fates laugh as a soul enters the cave and flies into a tunnel. The counter above the tunnel now says "Over 5000000001 served" Hades: Ladies! Hah! I am so sorry that I'm— Atropos: Late. Clotho: We knew you would be. Lachesis: We know everything. pass their only eye from one another as they speak the next three lines Clotho: Past. Lachesis: Present. Atropos: And future. (to Panic) Indoor plumbing; it's gonna be big. Hades: Great. Great. Anyway, see, Ladies, I was at this party, and I lost track of— Fates: We know! Hades: (slightly irritated) Yeah. I know.. you know. (He goes over to a map table depicting Greece with pawns of Zeus and the gods.) So, here's the deal. Zeus, Mr. High and Mighty, Mr. "Hey, you, get off of my cloud". Now, he has— Fates: A bouncing baby brat. Clotho: We know! Hades: (bursting into flames) I know! (settles down) You know. I know. I got it. I got the concept. So, let me just ask: Is this kid gonna mess up my hostile takeover bid, or what? What do you think? Lachesis: Um— Clotho: (silences her) Oh no, you don't. We are not supposed to reveal the future. (A spider lowers out of her nostril, to which she sniffs it back inside.) Hades: Oh wait, I'm sorry. Time out. Can I? Can I ask you a question, by the way? Are you, (to Lachesis, plucking off one her hair strands), did you cut your hair of something? You look fabulous. {Lachesis giggles} I mean, you look like a fate worse then death. {Lachesis giggles more. Clotho hits her on the head, the eye fells out into the hands of Panic} Panic: Oh, gross! Pain: Yech! It's blinkin'! kicks it into Hades' hand, who pulls off a dust strand from the eye. Hades: Ladies, please, my fate... (He puts the eye to Lachesis' hand.) is in your lovely hands. Lachesis: Oh, yeah. Clotho: All right. eye raises in the air, showing pictures of the future. Atropos: In 18 years precisely, the planets will align ever so nicely. Hades: Ay, verse. Oy. Atropos: The time to act will be at hand. Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band. Hades: Mm-hmm, good, good. Atropos: Then, the once-proud Zeus will finally fall, and you, Hades, will rule all! Hades: (thrilled, bursting into flames) Yes! Hades rules!!! Atropos: A word of caution to this tale. Hades: Excuse me? Atropos: Should Hercules fight, you will fail. disappear, cackling Hades: (bursting into flames) WHAAAT?! '''(cooling down) Okay, fine, fine, I'm cool, I'm fine a bell dings, and a pair of doors open to show Hades and his boys standing in front of a skeleton-decorated vault with a vial shown in the center. Hades: Pain? Panic? Got a little riddle for ya. How do you kill a god? Pain: I do not... know! Panic: You can't. They're immortal? Hades: Bingo! They're immortal. (He takes a vial with red liquid and camera zooms at it, filling the screen) So, first you got to turn the little sunspot... mortal. {Mount Olympus, dusk. The night sky is brought over Mount Olympus by the night god, Nyk, driving his goats across the atmosphere. Baby Hercules and Baby Pegasus are sleeping together. The shadows of Pain and Panic crawl over Baby Hercules and grab him. The sounds of glass breaking and Pain and Panic tittering make Zeus and Hera wake up.} Zeus: Huh? Hera: What? What is it? Both: The Baby! run to the cradle but find only the Baby Pegasus Hera: Hercules! Oh! starts sobbing. Zeus: (booming) '''NOOOOOOO!!! he screams , lightning bolts flash and a giant thunderstorm rages over Olympus. Pain and Panic are flying down to Earth, carrying Baby Hercules. Panic: Now, we did it! Zeus is gonna use us for target practice! Pain: Just hang onto the kid, Panic! fall, and Baby Hercules starts crying. Panic: Hurry! Let's just kill the kid and get it over with, okay? Pain: (opening the vial) Here you go, kid. A little Grecian formula. Panic: Look at that! He's.. changing. Hercules stops glowing as he drinks the potion Can we do it now? Pain: No, no, no, he has to drink the whole potion! Every last drop. Amphitryon: (offscreen) Who's there? and Panic run away, dropping the empty vial. It breaks and one last drop falls into the ground. Alcmene, over here. Alcmene: Oh, you poor thing! Oh, don't cry Amphitryon: Is anybody there? and Panic look from the bushes. Panic: Now? Pain: Now. shadows are shown as they walk and transform into snakes Alcmene: Oh well, he must have been abandoned. For so many years we've prayed to the gods to bless us with a child. reads Hercules' name from a medallion on his neck. Perhaps, they've answered our prayers Amphitryion: Perhaps they have... Hercules? and Panic, as snakes, attack, but Baby Hercules catches them, and giggling happily, hits them several times against the ground, ties into a knot and throws far away. Amphitryon and Alcmene stare with they jaws dropped Pain and Panic: Help, help, help! turn to their normal forms Panic: Hades is gonna kill us when he finds out what happened. Pain: You mean, *if* he finds out! Panic: Of course he's gonna f-- If.. if is good. {pan to Mount Olympus in dark clouds and then resolve to the Muses} Calliope: It was tragic. Zeus led all the gods on a frantic search. Terpsichore: But by the time they found the baby, it was too late. Melepomene: Young Herc was mortal now, But since he did not drink the last drop. He still retained his godlike strength- So thank his lucky star! But Zeus and Hera wept, Because their son could never come home. They'd have to watch their precious baby, Grow up from afar. Though Hades' horrid plan, Was hatched before Herc cut his first tooth, The boy grew stronger ev'ry day, And that's the gospel truth! {Resolve to country with sheeps baaing. A carriage with a lot of hay moves along the road unnaturally fast, then we see Amphitryon and his horse sitting before it.] Amphitryon: Hercules, slow down! now see it's young Hercules who is moving the carriage. They enter a country fair, hitting a pair of workers on the top of the gate Amphitryon: Look out! fall Young Hercules: Oops! S-s-sorry guys! Worker 1: (falling down) Hey, watch where you're goin'! Worker 2: Sunday driver! enters the middle of the square and stops, burying himself into the ground shoulders-deep. Amphitryon: Thanks, son. When old Penelope twisted her ankle back there, I thought we were done for. Hercules: No problem, Pop. Amphitryon: Uh, don't-don't-don't unload just yet. First I have to finagle with Phideas. Hercules: Okay. drops the hay on the cart which makes their horse, Penelope, fly up into the sky Oops, sorry, Penelope. Amphitryon: Now, Hercules, this time, please just— Hercules: I know, I know. catches falling Penelope Stay by the cart. Amphitryon: That's my boy. stays until he sees a man losing balance with a big clay pot Man: Oh, my goodness. Whoa! catches him just in time Herules: Careful! Man: Why ,thank you. Hercules: No problem Man (sees Hercules and looks frightened): Why, Hercules! It's you! Hercules: Let me, let me help you with that Man: No, no, no, no, no, I got it. almost falls under the giant pot. I'm fine, you just run along. Hercules: Are you sure? Man: Oh, yes. Absolutely. leaves Hercules outside in the street. A freesbee falls to his feet. He picks it up and sees three boys about his age Boy 1: Yo! Give it here! Hercules: Hey, you need an extra guy? Boy 1: Uh.. sorry, Herc. We already got.. five. And we want to keep it an even number. Hercules: Hey, wait a second. Five isn't an even— Boy 1: (snatching the freesbee): See ya, Herc. Boy 2: What a geek! Boy 3: Destructo boy. Boy 1: Maybe we should call him "Jerkules". sits alone in the center of a square untill the freesbee appears above his head Boy 1: Heads up! Hercules: I-I got it! Boy 1: No! Stop! hits a pillar, which starts falling Hercules: Uh-oh.. Oh no!.. It's okay.. holds the pillar he has hit, but others start falling one by one, like domino. He sees that and throws the pillar he was holding away, but it hits another standing pillar and another domino wave starts going around the square. Hercules: Hey! Whoa! Amphitryon: Son! Hercules: Hang on, Pop! Be right back! two domino waves seem to be aiming at the shop with clay pots Man: Oh my! Oh no! Don't! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! last two pillars stop above the man's head. He sighs, relaxed, but Hercules, who was running to save him, slips and slides to him fast Hercules: Watch out! town square is now destroyed. Hercules stands in the rubble, feeling ashamed of himself, as the citizens leave the area. Boy 1: Nice catch, Jerkules. Amphitryon: Son- Man: This is the last straw, Amphitryon! Voice: That boy is a menace! Voice 2: He's too dangerous to be around normal people! Amphitryon: He didn't mean any harm, he's just a kid. He-he just can't control his strength. Man: I am warning you. You keep that-that-that.. freak away from here! Boy: Freak! Yeah, go away! {On a grassy hillside, Hercules and Amphitryon sit alone.} Amphitryon: Son, you shouldn't let those things they said back there get to you. Hercules: But Pop, they're right. I-I am a freak. I try to fit in, I really do. I just can't. Sometimes.. I feel like, like I really don't belong here. Like I'm supposed to be.. someplace else. Amphitryon: Hercules, son— Hercules: I know it doesn't make any sense. walk away and sings I have often dreamed of a far off place, Where a great, warm welcome will be waiting for me. Where the crowds will cheer when they see my face, And a voice keeps sayin' this is where I'm meant to be. I will find my way I can go the distance. I'll be there someday. If I can be strong, I know every mile, Will be worth my while, I would go most anywhere to feel like I belong. returns home Amphitryon: Hercules, there's something your mother and I have been meaning to tell ya. {inside the house} Hercules: But if you found me, then where did I come from? Why was I left here? Alcmene: This was around your neck when we found you. It's the symbol of the gods. Hercules: This is it! Don't you see? Maybe they have the answers! I'll go to the temple of Zeus and-- Ma, Pop, you're the greatest parents anyone could have, but.. I-I gotta know. {Next morning, Hercules walks to the Temple and sings} Hercules: (singing) I am on my way, I can go the distance. I don't care how far, Somehow I'll be strong, I know every mile, Will be worth my while, I would go most everywhere to find where I belong. enters the Temple of Zeus Hercules: Oh mighty Zeus, please, hear me and answer my prayer. I need to know: Who am I? Wh-where do I belong? blows, lightning hits the statue of Zeus, flame ignites in braziers.. Huh? the statue of Zeus comes to life Zeus: My boy. My little Hercules. reaches for Hercules, who runs away, screaming Hey, hey, hey, hold on kiddo! What's your hurry? After all these years is this a kind of hello to give your father? Hercules: Father? Zeus: Didn't know you had a famous father, did you? Surprise!! Look how you've grown. Why you've got your mother's beautiful eyes... and my strong chin. Hah! Hercules: I-I don't understand. If you are my father, that would make me a— Zeus: A god. Hercules: A god. A god! Zeus: Hey, you wanted answers, and by thunder, you're old enough to know the truth Hercules: But why did you leave me on earth? Didn't you want me? Zeus: Of course we did. Your mother and I loved you with all our hearts but someone stole you from us and turned you mortal, and only gods can live on Mount Olympus. Hercules: And you can't do a thing? Zeus: I can't, Hercules, but you can. Hercules: R-really? W-what? I-I'll do anything. Zeus: Hercules, if you can prove yourself a true hero on Earth, your godhood will be restored! Hercules: A true hero. Great! Uh, exactly how do you become a true hero? Zeus: First, you must seek out Philoctetes, the trainer of heroes. Hercules: Seek out Philoctetes. Right. I'll--falls off Zeus' palm Whoa! Zeus: Whoa! Hold your horses! Which reminds me.. whistles and the Pegasus flies through an opening in the roof Ha-ha! You probably don't remember Pegasus but you two go way back, son sniffs Hercules, then bonks foreheads with him and licks him Hercules: Oh, Pegasus! Zeus: He is a magnificient horse. With the brain of a bird. Hercules: I'll find Philoctetes and become a true hero! Zeus: That's the spirit! Hercules: I won't let you down, father! Yee-haw! Zeus: Good luck, son. flies away, singing: Hercules: (singing) I will beat the odds, I can go the distance! I will face the world, Fearless, proud and strong! I will please the gods, I can go the distance, Till I find my hero's welcome right where I belong! {Isle of Philoctetes} Hercules: You sure this is the right place? sees three nymphs laughing in the trees, then sees a goat's behind sticking from the bushes. What's the matter, little guy? You stuck? Phil: Whoa! Hey, butt out, buddy! Hercules: Ugh! Phil: Girls! Stop! Stop! Come back, come back, come back. Whoa, whoa-- nymph he gets hold on turns into flowers oh, geez! Whait! Whoa, whoa, whoa! nymph turns into a tree Oh, nymphs! They can't keep their hands off me. Nymph: Hey! Phil: (to Hercules) What's the matter? You never seen a satyr before? Hercules: Uh.. no. Can you help us? We're looking for someone called Philoctetes. Phil: Call me Phil. Hercules (sqeezes his hand): Phil! Phil: Ow! Hercules: Boy, am I glad to meet you! I'm Hercules. This is Pegasus. licks Phil Phil: Animals!. Disgusting! Hercules: I need your help. I want to become a hero. A true hero. Phil: Sorry, kid, can't help ya. Hercules: Wait! pulls the door Phil closed before him and raises it in the air with one hand Phil: Whoo! Hercules: Uh, sorry. Why not? Phil: Two words: I am retired. counts on fingers Hercules: Look, I gotta do this. Haven't you ever had a dream, something you wanted so bad you'd do anything? Phil (sighes): Kid, come inside, I want to show you something. Hercules hits his head against a wooden mast. Phil: Watch it! That was part of the mast of the Argo. Hercules: The Argo? Phil: Yeah. Who do you think taught Jason how to sail? Cleopatra? (He shows Hercules a row of helmets.) I trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. A lot of "yeuseus." And every single one of those bums let me down. Flatter then a discus. None of them could go the distance. And then there was Achilles. Now there was a guy who had it all - the build, the foot speed. He could jab, he could take a hit, he could keep on comin'. But that furshlugginer heel of his! He barely gets nicked there once and - kaboom! He's history. Yeah, I had a dream once. I dreamed I was gonna train the greatest hero there ever was. So great the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars... All across the sky, and people would say, "That's Phil's boy." That's right. Eh, but dreams are for rookies. A guy can only take so much disappointment. Hercules: But I am different than those other guys, Phil! I can go the distance Come on, I'll show you. Phil: (grunts) Geez, you don't give up, do ya? Hercules: Watch this. raises something big which looks like a UFO and sends it flying away. Phil: Holy Hera.. You know maybe if I-- No! Snap out of it! I am too old to get mixed up in this stuff again. Hercules: But if I don't become a true hero, I'll never be able to rejoin my father, Zeus. Phil: Hold it! Zeus is your father, right? Hercules: Uh-huh. Phil: (laughs) Zeus! The big guy. He's your daddy! Mr. Lightning Bolts, read me a book, will ya.. da-da? Zeus!(mimics Zeus) Once upon a time— Hercules: It's the truth! Phil: Please! (sings) So you wanna be a hero, kid? well, whoop-de-do. I have been around the block before with blockheads just like you. Each and every one was disappointment. Pain for which there ain't no ointment. So much for excuses, Though a kid of Zeus is, Asking me to jump into the fray. My answer is two words. hits Phil Okay. Hercules: You mean you'll do it? Phil: You win. Hercules: You won't be sorry, Phil. Phil: Oh, gods. Hercules: So when do we start? Can we start now? Phil: Oy, vey. Phil (sings): I'd given up hope that someone would come along. A fella who'd ring the bell for once not the gong. The kind who wins trophies, Won't settle for low fees, At least semi-pro fees, But no, I get the greenhorn! I've been out to pasture, pal, my ambition gone. Content to spend lazy days and to graze my lawn. But you need an advisor, A satyr, but wiser, A good merchandiser and-- whoa! There goes my ulcer! I'm down to one last hope and I hope it's you, 'Though, kid, you're not exactly a dream come true. I trained enough turkeys, Who never came through! You're my only last hope, So you'll have to do. Phil: Rule #6: When rescuing a damsel, always handle with care. falls into water No! Rule #95, kid: Concentrate! Rule #96: Aim! Phil: (singing) Demigods have faced the odds and ended up a mockery. Don't believe in the stories that you read on all the crockery. To be a true hero, kid, is a dying art. Like painting a masterpiece it's a work of heart. It takes more then sinew, Comes down to what's in you. You have to continue, To grow! is an adult now Phil: Now that's more like it! (singing) I'm down to one last shot and my last high note, Before that blasted underworld gets my goat. My dreams are on you, kid. Go make 'em come true! Climb that uphill slope! Keep pushing that envelope! You're my one last hope. And, kids, it's up to you Yeah! Hercules: Did you see that? Next stop, Olympus. Phil: All right, just take it easy, champ. Hercules: I am ready, I want to get off this island. I want to see battles and monsters! Rescue some damsels... You know, heroic stuff. Phil: Well— Hercules: Aw, come on, Phil! Phil: Well, okay, okay. You want a road test? Saddle up, kid. We're going to Thebes! Hercules: Yahoo! flying on Pegasus So, what's in Thebes? Phil: A lot of problems. It's a big tough town, good place to start building a rep. hear a woman screaming. Sounds like your basic D.I.D. - Damsel In Distress. Hercules: Hyah! land and see Megara chased by a monster centaur. Nessus: Not so fast, sweetheart. Megara: I swear, Nessus. Put me down or I'll— Nessus: Whoo! I like 'em fiery! the bushes, Hercules gets angry, while Phil instructs. Phil: Now remember, kid. First, analyze the situation. Don't just barrel in there without thinking. Eh? already walks to Nessus and Megara anyway. He's losin' points for this! Megara: You don't know what you're— Hercules: Halt! Nessus: Step aside, two legs. Hercules: Pardon me, my good, uh, uh..... sir. I'll have to ask you to release that young... Megara: Keep movin', junior. Hercules: ...lady. But you-- are-aren't you a damsel in distress? Megara: I am a damsel, I am in distress. I can handle this. Have a nice day. Hercules: Uh-- *ahem* Ma'am, I'm afraid you may be too close to the situation to realize-- takes his sword out and Nessus immediately hits him so he flies away Phil: Ohhh! What are you doin'? Get your sword! Hercules: (searching in water) Sword. Right, right.. Rule #15: A hero is only as good as his weapon! picks up a fish and directs it at Nessus. Nessus laugh and Megara looks bored. Nessus then hits Hercules with a fist and Hercules flies away again Phil: {groans and tells to Pegassus who rushes to help} Whoa! Hold it! Hold on! He's gotta do it on his own. Come on, kid! Concentrate! Use your head! Hercules: Oh... surges forward and socks Nessus with his head. Nessus flies away Phil: All right! Not bad, kid. Not exactly what I had in mind, but not bad. gets up from water and coughs Hercules: Oh, gee, Miss, I'm I'm really sorry. Megara: Oh. Hercules: That was dumb Megara: Yeah. runs in again Hercules: Excuse me. attacks Nessus, hits his head several times, and throws him Phil: Nice work! Excellente! Megara: Is wonderboy here for real? Phil: What are you talking about? Of course he's real... (notices Megara) Whoa! And by the way, sweet cheeks, I am real too. gets on Megara's lap, but she pushes him into water Megara: Ugh. Hercules ride on Nessus Hercules: (like a cowboy) Yee-hah! Yahoo! finishes Nessus in a spectacular fight How was that, Phil? Phil: Rein it in, rookie. You can get away with mistakes like those in the minor decathlons, but this is the big leagues! Hercules sighes: At least I beat him. Didn't I? Phil: Next time, don't let your guard down because of a pair of big goo-goo eyes! D-oh! It's like I keep tellin' ya. You gotta stay focused, and you-- walks up to Megara Hercules: Are you, uh, all right, Miss, uh— Megara: Megara. My friends call me Meg. At least they would if I had any friends. So, did they give you a name along with all those rippling pectorials? Hercules: Uh, I'm, um, uh— Megara: Are you always that articulate? turns to leave Hercules: Hercules. my-- *ahem* My name is Hercules. Megara: Hercules, huh? I think I prefer wonderboy. Hercules: So, uh, how-how-how'd you get mixed up with the, uh— Megara: Pinhead with hooves? Well, you know how men are. They think that "no" means "yes" and "get lost" means "take me, I'm yours". Don't worry, Shorty here can explain it to ya later. growls Well, thanks for everything, Herc. It's been a real slice. Hercules: Wait! Um.. can we give you a ride? snorts, whinnies, and jumps to a high branch Megara: Uh, I don't think your Pinto likes me very much. Hercules: Pegasus? Oh, no, don't be silly. He'd be more than happy to-- ow! drops an apple on Hercules' head Megara: I'll be all right. I'm a big, tough girl. I tie my own sandals and everything. Bye-bye Wonderboy. Hercules: Bye... She's something, isn't she, Phil? Phil: Yeah, oh yeah, she's really something. A real pain in the patella! Earth to Herc! Come in Herc! Come in Herc! We got a job to do, remember? Thebes is still waitin'. Hercules: Yeah. Yeah. I know. walks into the forest and comes upon a rabbit and a small gopher Megara: Aw.. how cute. A couple of rodents looking for a theme park. Pain (as a bunny): Who you callin' a rodent, sister? I'm a bunny! Panic (as a gopher): A-and I'm his gopher. Together: Ta-dah! turn into themselves Megara: (sighs) I thought I smelled a rat. Hades: Meg. Megara: Speak of the devil. Hades: Meg, my little flower, my little bird, my little nut, Meg. What exactly happened here? I thought you were gonna persuade the river guardian to join my team for the uprising, and here I am, kind of river guardian-less. Megara: I gave it my best shot, but he made me an offer I had to refuse. Hades: Fine. So, instead of subtracting two years from your sentence, hey, I'm gonna add two on, okay? Give that your best shot. Megara: It wasn't my fault. It was that wonderboy, Hercules. (Hades' eyes widen with suspicion.) Panic: (pacing nervously) Hercules? Why does that name ring a bell? Pain: (cluelessly) I don't know. Um, maybe we owe him money? Hades: What was that name again? Megara: Hercules. He comes on with this big, innocent farm boy routine but I could see through that in a Peloponnesian minute. Pain: Wait a minute. Wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to— Pain and Panic: (horrified realization) Oh, my gods! (They see Hades preparing to grab them.) Panic: Run for it! (Pain and Panic try running for their lives, until Hades grabs them by their tails, extending his arms.) Hades: (dragging Pain and Panic back) So you took care of him, huh? Dead as a door nail. (holds up his boys) Weren't those your exact words? Pain: This might be a different Hercules. Panic: Yeah! I mean, Hercules is a... (gets choked by Hades) very popular name nowadays! Pain: (being choked on) Remember, like, a few years ago every other boy was named Jason and the girls were all named Brittany? Hades: I'm about to rearrange the Cosmos, (He flings Pain and Panic on the ground, turning them into cockroaches.) And the one SCHLEMIEL WHO CAN LOUSE IT UP IS WALTZING AROUND IN THE WOODS!explodes, burning down the entire forest. Megara ducks down from the incoming blaze. Pain: Wait. Wait, big guy. (morphs back to normal) We can still cut in on his waltzing. Panic: That's right! (morphs back to normal as well ) And-and-and at least, we made him mortal, that's a good thing. Didn't we? Hades: Hmm... (He extends his arms and brings Meg, Pain, and Panic closer to him as he instructs them.) Fortunately, for the three of you, we still have time to correct this rather egregious oversight. And this time, no foul-ups. {Meanwhile, Hercules and Phil are flying on Pegasus, as they reach the city of Thebes.} Hercules: Wow! Is that all one town? Phil: One town. A million troubles. The one and only Thebes. The big olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. enter the city. Stick with me, kid. This city is a dangerous place. almost get hit by a passing carriage. Driver: Look where you're goin' numbskull! Phil: Hey, I'm walkin' here! You see what I mean? I'm tellin' you- wackos. Man: Pita bread, pita bread, get your pita bread here! Smuggler: Hey, Mack. opens his coat at Phil and Hercules Phil: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Smuggler: You wanna buy a sundial? Phil: He's not interested, all right? Come on, kid. Man: The end is coming! Can't you feel it? Phil: Yes, yes. Thank you for the info. Yes. We'll ponder that for a while. (to Hercules) Just stare at the sidewalk. Come on. Don't make eye contact. People here are nuts. That's because they live in a city of turmoil. Trust me, kid, you're gonna be just what the doctor ordered. (At a fountain nearby, a group of people are discussing the city's problems.) Woman: It was tragic! We lost everything in the fire Man: Everything except old Snowball here. a now black, and electrically shocked cat, meows. Strong man: Now, were the fires before or after the earthquake? Thin woman: They were after the earthquake, I remember. Heavy woman: But before the flood. Old man: Don't even get me started on the crime rate. Heavy woman: Thebes has certainly gone downfall in a hurry. Old man: Tell me about it. It seems like every time I turn around there's some new monster wreaking havoc and I— Man: All we need now is a plague or locusts. locust hops in and chirps, scaring everybody. Old man: That's it! I'm movin' to Sparta! Hercules: (arriving up to them) Excuse me. It, uh *ahem*, seems to me that what you folks need is a hero. Strong man: (skeptically) Yeah, and who are you? Hercules: I'm Hercules, and, uh, I happen to be... a hero. laughs Old man: Is that so? Woman: A hero! Old man: Have you ever saved a town before? Hercules: Uh, no, uh, not exactly, but I— Strong man: Have you ever reversed a natural disaster? Hercules: Well, uh... no. Strong man: Oh, listen to this. He's just another chariot chaser. This we need. Woman: That's a laugh. Phil: Don't you pea brains get it? Woman: Hmm? Phil: This kid is a genuine article. Man: Hey, isn't that the goat-man who trained Achilles? Phil: (Getting angry) Watch it pal! Strong man: Yeah, you're right. Hey, nice job on those heels! Ya' missed a spot! Phil: I got your heel right here! (hits the man and starts beating him) I'll wipe that stupid grin off your face! You-- Hercules: Hey Phil! Phil! Phil! Take it easy, Phil. Strong man: What are you, crazy? Sheesh. Heavy woman: Young man, we need a professional hero. Not an amateur. Hercules: Well, wait. Stop! (Sighs, to Phil) How am I supposed to prove myself a hero if nobody will give me a chance? Phil: You'll get your chance; you just need some kind of catastrophe or disaster. appears in the crowd Megara: Please! Help! Please! There's been a terrible accident! Hercules: Meg? Phil: Speaking of disasters. Megara: Wonderboy! Hercules! Thank goodness! Hercules: Wha-what's wrong? Megara: Outside of town, two little boys, they were playing in the gorge. There was that rock slide, a terrible rock slide. They're trapped! Hercules: Kids? Trapped? Phil, this is great! Megara: You are really choked up about this, aren't ya? Hercules: (Dragging Meg) Come on! Megara: No, I-- You don't under-- I have this terrible fear of heights! Phil: (running) I'm right behind ya, kid! Whoo! (panting) I am way behind ya, kid. (sputtering) I got a fur wedgie. and Megara land, and Hercules dismounts from Pegasus. Hercules: Are you okay? Megara: I'll be fine. Just get me down before I ruin the upholstery Pain: (as boy) Help! I can't breathe! Panic: (as boy) Hurry! Pain: (as boy) Get us out! Panic: (as boy) We're suffocating! Somebody call IX-I-I Hercules: Easy fellas, you'll be all right Pain: (as boy) We can't last much longer! Panic: (as boy) Get us out before we get crushed! raises a huge boulder. Kids run out from under it and the crowd applauses lightly Hercules: How you boys doin'? Panic: (as boy) We're okay now Pain: (as boy) Jeepers, mister, you are really strong! Hercules: (still holding the stone) Well, try to be a little more careful next time, okay, kids? Pain: (as boy) We sure will! (they run away, up the slope and face Hades) Hades: A stirring performance, boys. I was really moved. Panic: "Jeepers, Mister" ? Pain: I was going for innocence. Hades: And, hey, two thumbs way, way up for our leading lady. (looking at Megara) What a dish. What a doll. Megara: (quietly) Get outta there, you big lug, while you still can. Hercules: Phil, I did great. They even applauded.. sort of. sound begins Phil: Huh! I hate to burst your bubble, kid, but that ain't applause. appears Hercules: Ph-ph-ph-phil? What do you call that thing? Phil: Two words! Am-scray!! Hades: Let's get ready to rumble! and Hercules start fighting Phil: That's it. Dance around! Dance around! Watch the teeth. Watch the teeth Keep going. Come on. Come on. Lead with your left. Lead with your left! You other left!! Hercules cuts the head of Hydra off. Crowd cheers Phil: All right! All right! You are bad! Okay! Hercules: See, Phil? That-- That wasn't so hard. (He drops sword and falls flat on the ground) Phil: Kid, kid, kid, how many horns do ya see? Hercules: Six? Phil: Eh, close enough. Let's get you cleaned up. on Hades' watching perch, Panic shivers and gulps. Hades: Guys, guys, relax. It's only halftime. Hercules and Phil hear rumbling from Hydra's body. Phil: That doesn't sound good. gets three new heads Definitely not good! on Pegasus fights with Hydra and keeps slicing her heads off, getting more and more new ones Phil: Will you forget that head-slicing thing? gets knocked off Pegasus and falls among heads and necks of Hydra Hercules: Phil, I don't think we covered this one in basic training! escapes, but falls back from the cliff and is now pressed against the wall by Hydra's paw Hades: My favorite part of the game: sudden death. crushes the rock on Hydra and gets buried under rocks himself too. Phil: Oh! There goes another one. Just like Achilles. Hades: (lighting himself a cigar) Game. Set. Match. appears from Hydra's dead paw. Crowd chears real loud now Hercules: Phil, you gotta admit, that was pretty heroic. Phil: Ya did it, kid! Ya did it! You won by a landslide! Hades turns a bright shade of red, destroying his cigar and pinches his minions' eye sockets. Panic: (in pain) Hades mad. Megara: Well. What do ya know? {Cut to Muses} Calliope: From that day forward, our boy Hercules could do no wrong. (spoken) He was so hot, steam looked cool. Oh, yeah! *Begin Song* Calliope: Bless my soul, Herc was on a roll Thalia: Person of the week, in every greek opinion poll Terpsichore: What a pro! Calliope: Herc could stop a show, Point him at a monster and you're talkin' S.R.O. All: He was a no one! A zero, a zero Now he's a honcho! He's a hero! He was a kid with his act down pat! Zero to hero in no time flat! Zero to hero! Just like that! When he smiled the girls went wild! With oohs and aahs! Thalia: And they slapped his face, On every vase! Clio: On every "Vahse"! All: From appearance fees and royalties Our Herc had cash to burn Now nouveau riche and famous He could tell you what's a grecian urn Say amen There he goes again Sweet and undefeated And an awesome ten for ten Folks lined up just to watch him flex Thalia: And this perfect package packed a pair of pretty pecs All: Hercie, he comes, he sees, he conquers Honey, the crowds were goin' bonkers He showed the moxie brains and spunk -- yeah! From zero to hero A major hunk Zero to hero And who'd have thunk... Who put the glad in gladiator? Hercules! Who's darin' deeds are great theater? Hercules! Is he bold? No one braver! Is he sweet? Our favorite flavor! Hercules(My man)! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! (Look at my) Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Bless my soul, Herc was on a roll Undefeated Riding high And the nicest guy Not conceited He was a nothing, zero, zero Now he's a honcho, he's our hero! He hit the heights at breakneck speed From zero to hero Herc is a hero Now he's a hero Calliope: Yes, indeed. {Hades practices shooting at targets} Hades: Pull! Megara: Nice shooting, Rex. Hades: I can't believe this guy. I throw everything I've got at him. And it doesn't even-- (sees Pain wearing Hercules -trademark- sandals) What are those? Pain: Um.. I don't know. I thought they looked kinda dashing. Hades: I've got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke and you are wearing his merchandise!!! interrupts them by slurping some cola from a Hercules -trademark- plastic cup Panic: Thirsty? yells, causing a small earthquake Megara: Looks like your game's over. Wonderboy is hitting every curve you throw at him. Hades: Oh yeah.. I wonder if maybe I haven't been throwing the right curves at him. Meg, my sweet. Megara: Don't even go there. Hades: See, he's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness I mean for what? Pandora, it was the box thing, for the Trojans, hey, they bet on the wrong horse, okay? We simply need to find out Wonderboy's. Megara: I've done my part. Get your little imps— Hades: They couldn't handle him as a baby. I need someone who can... handle him as a man. Megara: Hey, I've sworn off manhandling. Hades: Well, you know, that's good because that's what got you into the jam in the first place, isn't it? You sold your soul to me to save your boyfriend's life. And how does this creep thank you? By running off with some babe. He hurt you real bad, didn't he, Meg? Huh? Megara: Look, I learned my lesson, okay? Hades: Which is exactly why I got a feelin' you're gonna leap at my new offer. You give me the key to bringing down wonder breath and I give you the thing that you crave most in the entire cosmos (he whispers at her ear), your freedom. {Temple of Zeus} Hercules: You should have been there, father! I mangled the minotaur, grappled with the Gorgon, Just like Phil told me, I analyzed the situation, controlled my strength and kicked! The crowds went wild! Thank you, thank you. Zeus: Hah! You're doin' great, son. You're doin' your old man proud Hercules: I am glad to hear you say that, father. I've been waiting for this day a long time. Zeus: Hmm.. What day is that, son? Hercules: The day I rejoin the gods. Zeus: You've done wonderfully, you really have, my boy. You're just not there yet. You haven't proved yourself a true hero. Hercules: But father, I've beaten every single monster I've come up against. I'm-I'm the most famous person in all of Greece. I'm-I'm an action figure! Zeus: I'm afraid being famous is not the same as being a true hero. Hercules: What more can I do? Zeus: It's something you have to discover for yourself Hercules: But how can I— Zeus: Look inside your heart strikes and statue of Zeus becomes inanimate Hercules: Father, wait! {In the city, a carriage passes past rich gates} Guide: On your left is Hercules' villa. My next stop is the Pecs and Flex gift shop where you can pick up the Great Hero's 30-minute workout scroll "Buns of Bronze" {inside the villa, Hercules is posing for a picture on a vase, dressed in the skin of the lion Scar from Disney's The Lion King} Phil: At 1:00 you got a meeting with king Augeas. He's got a problem with his stables. I'd advise you not to wear your new sandals. Hercules: Phil? Artist: I told you, don't move! Phil: D.G.R., the Drughters of the Greek Revolution Hercules: Phil? Phil: At 3:00 you gotta get a girdle from some amazons Hercules (dropping club and shield) Phil, what's the point? Artist screams: That's it! Phil: Keep your toga on, pal throws the paints on Phil, making him look like a clown and leaves Phil: What do you mean, "what's the point ?" You wanna go to Olympus, don't ya? Hercules: Yeah, but this stuff doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere. throws the skin of Scar to Phil Phil (wiping the paint off his face with it): You can't give up now, I'm counting on ya'. Hercules: I gave this everything I had. Phil: Listen to me, kid. I seen 'em all. And I am tellin' you - and this is the honest-to-Zeus truth - you got somethin' I never seen before. Hercules: Really? Phil: I can feel it right down to these stubby bow legs of mine. There is nothin' you can't do, kid. opens and fan girls scream Fan girls: It's him! Phil: Hey, watch it! Watch it! Watch— Fan girls: I touched his elbow! I got his sweatband! Hercules: Phil, help! Phil: Okay, escape plan beta Hercules: Gotcha. blows whistle, fan girls look at him for a moment and Hercules disappears Fan girls: Hey! Where is he? Phil: There he goes! On the verranda! run away, Phil too, but when door closes, Megara appears from behind it, she walks and sees Hercules' toes under a curtain Megara: Let's see, what could be behind curtain number one? Hercules: Meg! Megara: It's all right. The sea of raging hormones has ebbed. Hercules: Gee, i-i-it's great to see you. I-I-I missed you. Megara (dropping on a couch): So, this is what heroes do on their days off Hercules: I am no hero... Megara: Sure you are. Everybody in Greece thinks you're the greatest thing since they put the pocket in pita. Hercules (chuckles): I know. It's-it's crazy you know, I can't go anywhere without being mobbed, I mean— Megara: Ah. You sound like you could use a break. Think your nanny goat would go berserk if you played hooky this afternoon? Hercules: Oh gee. I-I don't know, uh, Phil's got the rest of the day pretty much booked. Megara: Ah, Phil, Shmill.. Just follow me. Out the window, round the dumbbells, you lift up the back wall and we're gone. {evening, outdoors} Hercules: Wow. What a day. First that restaurant by the bay, Megara: Mmm.. Hercules: and then that, that play, that, that Oedipus thing. Man! I thought I had problems. chuckle and such, two little birds sitting near turn into Pain and Panic to speak to Meg Panic: Psst! Stop foolin' around! Pain: Yeah. Get the goods, sister. turns back and they turn into birst and tweet innocently Hercules: I didn't know that playing hooky could be so much fun. Megara: Yeah. Niether did I. Hercules: Thanks, Meg. Megara: Oh.. Don't that me just yet. Oh! (She falls into Hercules' arms) Hercules: Oops, careful. Megara: Sorry. Weak ankles. Hercules: Oh yeah? Well, maybe you better sit down for a while. (He carries her on a bench and they sit down) Megara: So, uh, do you have any problems with things like.. this? (She stretched her leg and holds her foot right before Hercules' face) Hercules: Uh..... Megara: Weak ankles, I mean. Hercules: Oh. Uh, no. Not really. Megara (moving closer to him): No weaknesses whatsoever? No trick knee? Hercules: Uh— Megara (moving even more close): Ruptured... disks? Hercules: No. I'm I'm afraid I'm, uh.. fit as a fiddle. (He finally stands up from the bench) Megara: Wonderboy, you are perfect. Hercules: Thanks. (He sends a coin jumping on a water in a fountain and it breaks the arms off the statue of Venus) Whoops. Megara: It looks better that way. No, it really does. Hercules: You know, when I was a kid I, I would have given anything to be exactly like everybody else. Megara: You wanted to be petty and dishonest? Hercules: Everybody's not like that. Megara: Yes they are. Hercules: You're not like that Megara: How do you know what I'm like? Hercules: All I know is.. You're the most amazing person with... weak ankles I've ever met. steps back and gets pricked on an arrow of a tiny statue of Amur Meg, when I'm with you I-I don't feel so... alone. Megara: Sometimes it's better to be alone. Hercules: What do you mean? Megara: Nobody can hurt you. Hercules: Meg? I would never ever hurt you. Megara: And I don't wanna hurt you, so... let's both do ourselves a favor and.. stop this... um.. before... we-- lips met for the kiss, but the moment before it happens bright light flashes into their eyes. It is Phil, on Pegasus, impersonating police helicopter Phil: All right! Break it up! Break it up! Party's over! I been lookin' all over this town! Megara: Calm down, mutton man! It was all my fault. Phil: You're already on my list, sister, so don't make it worse snorts at Megara, she snorts back, turning the light off Phil: And as for you, ya bum, you're gonna go to the stadium and you're gonna be put through the workout of your life! Now get on the horse. Hercules: Okay, okay Megara: I'm sorry Hercules: Ah, he'll get over it. bends a huge tree casually and picks a flower off it, gives it to Meg and kisses her in the cheek Phil: Move! Move, move, move, move, move! Move! (on Pegasus): Whoo! Ya-eee! Hey, watch it, watch it! Whoo! Watch it! Keep your goo-goo eyes on the- branch finally hits Phil and he falls on the ground That's it. Next time, I drive. sits alone and smells the flower Megara: Oh. what's the matter with me? You'd think a girl would learn. *Begin Song: "I Won't Say I'm in Love" * If there's a prize for rotten judgement I guess I've already won that No man is worth the aggravation That's ancient history been there, done that! Muses: Who d'ya think you're kidding? He's the Earth and Heaven to you Try to keep it hidden, honey, We can see right through you Category:Transcript